We were single and educated young Black Women taking on this world with our sassy vibe and unique style. We were invincible….so we thought. She had the electric smile that should have been on a toothpaste aid campaign. Beautiful melanin sparkling all that Black Girl Magic. I was the same yet a bit more reserved to concentrating on the details of life. We were tight and enjoyed life. But in that enjoyment of life and all of its good pleasure, we paid a price with our emotions, Daddy-baggage and just becoming resolved we were in an abusive relationship with this world. We both believed in the one and only true God, Yahweh – King of all kings and Lord of all lords. We loved the Lord and just believed he loved us too. WE continued to make mistakes in relationships with men. Either we pushed to hard to save the relationship or we ran to the hills to save our sanity. Then it happened! We prayed for forgiveness and wanted it to be someone else. But it happened to us all the same. And then it was no more. Such guilt we had: Did we pray it away? Did we cause the disappearance of it?
To say we were relieved is an understatement. Yet, we were so sad; felt lonely, like God had just left us to suffer our own consequences. Nevertheless, God’s grace and mercy prevailed. We made a pact that if one of us became pregnant she would be ours together.
That pact still reigns supreme in my psyche when I think about my infertility. I have found for years through IVF, doctors, prescribed meds, invasive tests, painful menstrual cycles. Not to mentioned bleeding so hard that I would often bleed between my clothes. So I never dared to wear white. I wanted a baby for myself, for my HusBae and to beat all the naysayers with a healthy baby. But it has not happened. Is there a possibility? I do not know especially after having another procedure to determine where the aliens were in my uterus cavity and how fast they were growing. Ugh! I dealt with this in 2006 with the removal of 5 huge fibroids and a reconstruction of my uterus. All of the pain to come 16 years later to find out that NOW major decisions must be made because they’re back!!!! for the comeback round in my fight to have a viable pregnancy.
It is through this dark place that I find myself wondering why me? what could I eat? How could I massage my reproductive organs into producing? I am reminded that ONLY God can give life just as he did for Biblical Sari, Hannah, Elizabeth and others. Sarai was 70 years old when she received the promise of a son; she was 90 when the promise manifested in Isaac. Likely 20 plus years passed before she saw her most precious son of laughter come to life. No matter what the doctor’s say or do, no matter if I am ovulating or hot flashing, no matter if I pray, fast and pray some more; this list goes on forever. This time was different because it is a different conversation to talk about infertility when you have parts verses when all your reproductive parts are removed so there is no possibility ever. This is my painful reality! This is a very dark mental space that I am in fighting each day for my peace.
Now what do I do about the pact? I agreed. This promise is still unfulfilled and this agreement may in fact be killing me softly. I now have to fall out of agreement. However, it is one-sided. You see I cannot undo the pact as my sister is no longer here. This is a singular pact agreement that is written in my mind and emotions. God help me to hear your wisdom not only to make good divine decisions but also to unpack this pact so that I can live free from the guilt of complete failure.
While I know that I did not fail her or me, it is a process of making new life assessments and agreements that end in “whatever my lot Thou has taught me to say it is well with my soul”.
Meditation Scriptures: Genesis 21, Psalm 27:5, Psalm 61:2, Lamentation 3:24-26, Isaiah 61:2, 1 Samuel 1-2 Romans 12:1-2.