That is my arm.
This was my band that dictated how the nurses would handle me.
I was a fall risk due to the anesthesia that I was under. I was also allergy prone to latex and possibly other lubricants that they might use in the procedure. This was a day I was excited and nervous.
I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy, with dilation and curettage of uterus. I was having a DNC of sorts – a scraping of the uterus. I was hoping for a good report but that is not what I received. I woke up to a lot of pain – actually burning in my lower area.
What was the burning?
Well, my surgeon cut me with her probe and therefore she had to stitch me up. Needless to say, there was 3-4 days of burning and pain during urination. Not to mention the burning on my psyche as I waited for the test results.
I had a massive tumor in my uterus that my surgeon was able to cut out 90%. The rest of the 10% is dead which will hopefully resolve itself by disappearing or discarding somehow. I pray.
But, 90% is good, right?
Not great but good.
But before I got too excited that my uterus had room for “other possibilities”, I was also informed that there are baby tumors on the outside of my uterus – baby imps that are not growing but just there.
What? Who sent out invitations for a party outside my uterus?
In other words, these are squatters who have proclaimed territorial rights to prime real estate. They don’t have to go home back to the enemy’s camp but they got to move out of here!
Or so I thought.
But before I hold up an internal protest sign or send an eviction notice, the realities of what was happening inside my body came crashing like Niagara Falls. I am not a candidate for a baby. No surgery to remove these unwanted guests. No new medicines to take to destroy their very existence. No next DNC to get rid of the 10% that was left. And oh, your cervix is closing due to a lock called menopause.
My hopes and dreams were shattered. I wonder if Sarai felt this way and this is why she laughed in Genesis 18. And why she was determined to help God in His baby making efforts by sending Hagar to be a Hollybake oven for Abram’s seed.
Ya’ll remember those cakes were never good.
And Sarai laughed at the thought of her womb verses a younger womb like Hagar.
Sarai’s laugh was her response to an Angel of the Lord telling Abram that they would have a son in their old age. A son at her menopause++ age was unheard of. I now have a different understanding of her laugh because at this point of receiving this news from my highly skilled doctor, I would welcome a laugh of hope.
Sarai received news that I would only pray for because there was no hope for me. And so, I live with the critters inside my body. I live with the irregular menstruation which meant ovulation but now just means I am at the end of this womanly experience.
I live with the broken heart of never providing my King with a human legacy.
I live with the mirror image of a 30-year-old yet my body is almost 52 years young.
Ummm….what is next you might ask? Well, we process, get therapy, pray for the healing of a broken dream that is medically destroyed, and believe that just as Sarai laughed at the foretelling of her miracle, just maybe I will laugh to.
Fueling Your Faith: Genesis 16, Genesis 18, Psalm 139:14, Jeremiah 29:11, Jeremiah 32:17