This thing called infertility decided to pay me a visit.
An unexpected visit.
An unwanted guest.
The kind of intruder that continues to have prime real estate in your psyche, your heart, and your body. Squatters rights to regulate your feelings in a matter of moments.
Pictured above is my Big G praying for me as I was being prepared for my hysteroscopy with anesthesia. I was nervous all the same. I was hoping and praying that God would do the miraculous and the potential surgery would not be necessary. Essentially I had a scrapping of the uterus to ensure a window of opportunity for maybe pregnancy if all the other tests results supported it. Yep, at almost 52 years of age I still hold on to the possibility of becoming a miracle mom and a wonder. Signs, miracles and wonder is what the scripture calls it. But, I wanted that to be attached to my name in the area of stomping on infertility and providing a tangible example of a prayer manifested.
That was not my story in February 2022. The surgery removed 90% of a growing large tumor inside of my uterus causing me great difficulties. Unbelievable! Really! Wow! Not again! You see, I had 5 huge tumors removed well over 20 years ago and I had no expectations of them returning. No one told me that I could have had my eggs frozen for such a time as this when I desired children.
This hidden gem is a taboo subject in the Black community.
I remember seeing women of all walks of life and every nationality in the doctor’s office. I did not know and now realized is that some of those women were freezing their eggs for a “later” time that they would choose to become a mother. I so wished someone had told me this in my 20’s.
Oh well, here we are in 2022, some 30 years later, feeling all the sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment, hurt, jealous, longing…shall I go on. There is an immeasurable amount of emotions and feelings I felt on this day and occasionally still do now that a month later has past.
The question still is – will those tsunami emotions stop me from moving ahead or will I drown in them?
As with most things that I have no control over, I move ahead.
Yes, I still believe God CAN!
My question is WILL HE FOR ME?
Holy Spirit is silent again. Even while I write this blog, the deafening silence grips my heart and tears form remembering that my tests results showed baby tumors on the outside of my uterus and that my cervix is closing. One punch in the gut was not good enough — here are two more. I cried and went into a depression. Grieving the loss of one my constant prayer request gone unanswered. Or maybe answered with a flat no.
Grieving the loss of my Sir Smokey a month afterward.
Grieving the loss of a sorority sister.
Grieving the loss of my bestfriend who I could not share this news.
Just grieving for Big G who has no heir to the The Arnold Throne.
This was not my life!!!! Yet, it was and is. No child will come from this womb without a bonified miracle. And if there is no miracle, I must reproduce anyway. And so I say to myself, God is still in control and can do the miraculous. I just want to be counted in the miracle wonders of His mighty hand. Stay tuned….we shall see. I still have hope.
Meditation Scriptures: Psalm 139:14 Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 21:1-2, Galatians 6:7